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[20 Jun 2009|10:02am] |
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For the first time in my life in this band we decided to get a different producer. Not because we didn't want to work with our former one but because we needed a change. Because I wanted to add a change to our music. I wanted this new album to be different from everything we released in the past and we knew we could only achieve that with a different producer. It just sucks that people think we're gong to be a lot more popish because we got the same guy that worked with Panic At the Disco. It pisses me off people are that judgemental especially when our new songs are gong to be much noisier and messier then our past work.
For me this album is a new start. I've not been this excited for a new album since our first one came out. It means a lot to me and Artwork is more then just a new album. We came up with a concept for it but it's not like any other concept album. This is our new work and yeah I hope the fans will love it. Of course there's a chance they won't and a chance we'll lose fans but the fact there's also the chance to get new fans is what makes it all worth it. Sure not everyone is going to like an album filled with songs about coming to grips with things but it's how I am.
The thing is with all my lyrics is that you can try and strip them down and decipher them as much as you want yet you still won't get to know me. The only person who truly knows me is Jayne and that's because I'm like a book to her. I don't know what it is and how it's even possible but she only has to look at me to know what is going on. It's why I love her so much. It's also why I'm glad I can just flip off all those assholes who said we wouldn't last. It's nice to be able to give them all a nice big "fuck you!" every once in a while. It's why I like it when she gets pissed off when she's called Wylde because it shows to me she's proud of being my wife. Proud of being Jayne Sinclair. It shows me she loves me as much as I love her.
I've been a fuck up most of my life. I've done drugs, am an alcoholic, because yes even though I don't drink two bottles of Jack every day anymore and only drink occasionally I still drink, hurt my friends, family and the people I've loved on more then one occasion yet she never thought of me as a bad person. She has seen the best and the worst of me and is still with me and that proves how blessed I am to have her in my life. She has made me a better man yet never pushed me into anything. She has seen me change yet never told me I had to change. She knew I have my own battles to fight and she allowed me to fight them. She allowed me to be me, accepted me as I am and because of that I wanted to be a better man. For her I wanted to be a better man then one who did every type of drug in the world. She was there when I went through withdrawal. She was there with Mikey and heard me beg for "just a bump of cocaine" "Just one line" "Just a little bit to get through it." And never gave in. She was there and held me. Held my hair back while I puked, held cold washcloths against my head and got me to quit doing hard drugs.
I never admitted that to anyone. Only my closest friends knew this but the reason why I'm saying this is because my wife deserves to be seen as the amazing woman she is. I am blessed to have her in my life and proud to be her husband. She's amazing to me and the fact she still supports me to be that crazy wacky guy she met all those years ago, that guy who smokes far too much and is insane on and off stage. The guy she strange enough according to everyone else loves with her whole heart makes me happier then anyone in this world can even imagine.
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(Yell at me)
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[14 Nov 2008|12:17pm] |
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As the end of the month is drawing near it comes to me that in the past year a lot of things have happened. Some great things but like every married couple Jayne and I have gone through some trouble and struggle as well. The thing is that we always came out stronger. People tried to come between us at times when I was being a complete and utter moron and there have been times I was petrified that maybe I would indeed lose her. Jayne has always meant a lot to me. Since the day I met her up until now there has been something about her that has always made me want to be close to her. So many times though I've done things to chase her away but I'm lucky that she loves me and knows that even when I'm being an idiot I will always love her.
She's done so much for me over the years. Made me happy while I was sad supported me in everything I did and showed me she was proud of me. I've done the same for her of course and I'm happy to see her band is doing so incredibly well. I was an ass to Andy a little while ago when I actually now know he was just doing his job as her manager. Sorry about that. I know I was a selfish prick and that you are also just doing your job.
I could be a prick and write about the bad stuff but I rather keep it in the past. Jayne and I worked through them and got out stronger and there's no need to dig up the past when it's been dead and buried for a long time now. Besides it's better to think about the good things that have happened. Debbie's doing better, Ciaran likes to dance to his mommy's music and sit with me on the piano stool banging the keys and I'm trying to teach him some easy songs. He knows how to play do-re-mi already and I've been thinking of trying to teach him how to play Frère Jacques. I taught him how to sing it already and all he remembers, and keeps singing, is frere Jacques. I think it's slowly driving Jayne mad but he's picking up the rest slowly. I think what I really liked was how he had gotten his toy guitar and walked up to his mommy with it asking her to play.
Our anniversary is coming up. Jayne and I will be married for three years at the end of the month. People told us so many times we wouldn't last, others have predicted our divorce more then once, papers wouldn't take our marriage serious and kept calling her Wylde but we've proved people wrong. Our love is stronger then others can even comprehend. Jayne is a part of me and I know without her I'd feel lost. She made a better man out of me. One who decided to quit hard drugs and getting so drunk I'd puke on stage every night. I think I can honestly say that she saved me from my self-destructive ways. She opened the door and let me in her life and with doing so made me challenge myself to be a better man for her. I'm thankful for that and happy that I can say she's my Jayneplane and that I'm looking forward to the years to come because I know we'll probably end up celebrating our diamond wedding anniversary as well.
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(Yell at me)
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[13 Mar 2008|11:18pm] |
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Waking up Archer had a rough night. Like usual when he woke up for the first time he lit a cigarette. It was something he standard did but he wasn't awake enough yet to get up yet so as soon as the ash was getting too close to his fingers to take another drag he put it out and laid back down. Automatically he turned on his left side and reached over to pull Jayne close to him and burry his face in her hair. Only she wasn't there. The space in his bed was empty for the second night in a row. He got up out of the bed and headed to Ciaran's room. Seeing the empty crib his tears once more started to flow. He couldn't help but rush over to Debbie's room hoping both Jayne as Ciaran would be there but seeing the empty room Archer sunk through his knees and broke down.
He ended up rocking himself back and forth. Tears were streaming down his face. He never thought he'd feel this alone, he never thought he'd be as lost as he was now. He couldn't even think straight anymore. Getting up he whipped his tears away and headed to the kitchen. He'd try to call her once more while he'd make coffee but once more her got The number you have dialed can not be reached at the moment. Please try again at another time. He was getting frustrated with it but he thought the reason why she didn't pick up her phone was because she needed space. He hadn't been online since he had posted those lyrics. He hadn't even checked his friendspage before he had closed his laptop.
Grabbing his huge coffee mug he poured it full and then headed to his piano sitting down. The first tune that came to him was the song he always sang to Ciaran before he put the little man down to sleep. As the soft tunes of John Lennon's Beautiful Boy flowed through the house tears flowed over Archer's cheeks. As it was finished a second tune came out. Debbie hardly smiled as she had breathing problems and crying gave her more air but strange enough singing Charlie Chaplin's Smile made her drift of to dreamland. Even though he was singing the lyrics he himself couldn't do what he was singing. He couldn't make himself smile. He couldn't hold back his tears or smile.
He was longing to hold his little girl in his arms. He knew seeing his kids would make him able to do what the song told him. He knew seeing Jayne playing with Ciaran while he was singing to Debbie and letting her suck on his pinky as she was teething would stop the tears from flowing. He needed his family. He was lost without them. He was lost without Jayne. Never had he expected that to happen. Never had he expected to need someone as badly in his life as he needed Jayne. She was his other half and without her he wasn't complete. Once more he tried her number and once more he got the familiar message he had heard over the past two days more times then he could even remember. There was only one thing he could do. He needed to find his Jayneplane and make her see how much he loved and needed her near him.
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(Yell at me)
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[20 Feb 2008|11:14pm] |
For a long time I doubted to write this all down. I doubted if it was a smart plan to throw out my feelings like this. I had done this in the past but never so open as I will be now. I think in all these years there has never been a day where I've sat down and looked at my life realizing how lucky I am. Not until today that is. I was holding Ciaran who was sucking his thumb while I went to check on Debbie. She looked up at me with those beautiful green eyes of hers and grabbed my finger when I brought my hand to her face to wipe her hair out of her face. I smiled as I looked down at her and then it hit me. It really hit me how incredibly lucky I am to be a father of two such amazing children.
When I met Jayne back in 2002 it was just a few weeks after my 20th birthday. The band had just started out, our first album had been released but I was insecure thinking nothing was gonna come of it. I those days I smoked pot, drank alcohol like it was water and did a lot of dumb shit. Why? Because I believed nobody believed in me. I had my band including Mikey who supported me and Cati who said I could pull it off if I really wanted it but I didn't really believe in it myself. Jayne and I had long conversations and slowly I started to believe I wasn't such a screw up. She and RoZ were there for me, supporting me in every way possible and it made me happy. RoZ and I even dated for a while after Jayne told me RoZ liked me, which surprised me like hell. It lasted 6 months and then we decided we worked better as friends.
( Perhaps adding a cut would be nice )
Looking at what I just wrote though makes me realize I did just exactly that. I was planning to write about my wife and he huge change she brought into my life. After everything that happened to both of us, the people we dated and my trip to the hospital after I collapsed on stage I knew I couldn't go on living the way I was. I changed certain things about my life and started to drink a whole lot less. It was then I started to see her in a whole different perspective. I fell in love with her but it took me until Valentines Day to actually confess my love. I was scared thinking she would never fall for a dork like me. I looked like a bum most of the times and she is so incredibly beautiful that I honestly believed I never stood a chance with her. With a little bit of help from RoZ I decorated her whole house with purple tulips. Why not roses like most men do on Valentines Day? Simple because I knew that purple tulips are her favorite flowers. She called me a sap when I stood there holding one extra purple tulip but she listened to me.
( Another one because I don't want to fill your friends page with too much babble. )
( Some babbling about my family including my uncle too )
I really feel blessed. I have amazing friends in my life who all mean the world to me, even though I have to admit that at this time even though I'll never stop loving her, I'm quite disappointed in my other Amigo. I know we can get through it all. We always have. I know that every step on the road I'm following I'll have Jayne beside me. I know my heart belongs to her and when I look at her I am so proud to be able to say she's my wife. She's such an amazing mother and wife and just all around fantastic woman. I feel truly blessed for everything I have gotten in my life. I'll soon be starting on a new album again, heading to the studio and as soon as that's over and we've set a release date I'm going to take my family on a nice holiday. Perhaps back to Disneyland as Ciaran really enjoyed it but I'm not sure yet. A nice beach vacation or somewhere were Jayne and I can relax as we both certainly deserve to be able to clear or mind and for once only focus on our family.
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(Yell at me)
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[10 Oct 2007|10:20am] |
I can't take this all. So many things are going on and I just can't take it anymore. I have to be strong for my Jayneplane but how can I do that when I'm breaking down myself too? I've been beating myself up the past few months not showing it to anybody but my amigos what was really going on but now I'm not holding back anymore. If anybody wants to call me a pansy so be it but I need to get this out.
As some of you probably noticed my brother Charlie showed up again. As it turned out he wasn't dead after all. For months after his dead I've beat myself up about it because I clearly didn't know how to deal with his death. I remember well what happened on November 29th 2006. My father called me that day and said "Are you happy now Archer? Charlie is dead! Thank you! You Fucking Asshole! If you hadn't wished him dead he would still be alive! I hate you Archer! Don't you ever dare to place one foot in my house again because I swear I will fucking kill you!" and with that he hung up. That whole day I went mental. I was curled up like a ball and I scared the shit out of Jayne because I wouldn't say a word to her but just rocked myself back and forth.
I finally told her what happened and she knew why I felt like my dad was right. She kept saying I shouldn't blame myself for what happened but how could I not? The last words I yelled at Charlie were "I hate you and I hope you fucking die! You're a selfrightious asshole who thinks he's better then me because woohoo you're a professional hockeyplayer and I'm only a guy who screams in a band. Fuck you! Fuck you Charlie! I hope you fucking die in a carcrash and that your brain will be splattered all around the interstate so people can see how rotten it is!"
I never meant those words but when you're angry you yell things at people you don't mean to say. For months I wished I had a chance to say I was sorry. I went to visit his grave back in Newark when I could and I've spend days crying because even though we were always asses toward each other and we fought a lot he was still my brother and I still cared about him. I was finally coming to a point where I thought I was at peace with what happened. I finally thought I was okay with it and that it really wasn't my fault and then bam there he was. Alive and well and it felt like a slap in my face.
I still don't know what to make of it and now with Jayne in the hospital I'm so scared again. I lost my brother and now he's back and it confuses the hell out of me and I'm once again scared I might lose a member of my family. Given he or she isn't born yet but if Caden had taken her any later to the hospital it might have happened. Yeah my baby could have been born too early and we could have lost our baby. That's why I was scared and that's why I didn't pick up a phone or anything else for that matter until I was sure she'd be okay and that the false labor really had been stopped. They gave her medicines as it was close to becoming real labor and if that would have happened I wouldn't know what would have happened. Thank god Jayne's water didn't break and thank god everything is still okay with our baby but goddamnit I don't think I've ever been this scared in my life before.
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(Yell at me)
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